A Window into Widowhood and Loss (Part 2 of 2)

As a Christian, firstly I turned to Christ and secondly to a counsellor.

Let’s look at the issue of counselling first.  My husband and I had some counselling in the first few months after his diagnosis. This was mainly focused on our communication skills, as he had shut down and for the first time in fifteen years wasn’t talking to me. (He was processing his impending death, grieving the loss of his future and our lives together, but didn’t want to burden me.) We both found this counselling helpful. Also the Cancer Council were great and offered both me and my daughter counselling, during the palliative care stage, which helped us deal with the impending loss of husband and father, and our individual grief.

After my husband’s death I really struggled with my responses and reactions, believing my responses and feelings and my inability to cope was abnormal. I was feeling inadequate as a mother, lonely, not coping with the responsibilities of being the only parent, and felt a failure. So I finally sought counselling.

My counsellor was wonderful – very empathetic, gently helping me to understand that what I was feeling was normal and affirming me for seeking counselling to help me cope.  She said that having counselling was the best thing I could do for my children, to help them deal with their loss and grief.  Without realising it, I was actually doing it for them!  So while it was difficult, emotionally draining and painful, the counselling helped me enormously. I will be eternally grateful to that beautiful lady. (I would never have imagined then that years later I would be called by God to become a counsellor myself.)

Also around this time I was introduced to journaling and encouraged to write letters to my late husband. I found both of these activities to be extremely powerful, very cathartic and therapeutic.

Now let’s look at the impact of my relationship with Christ. During the first couple of years after my husband’s death many people verbalised their belief that the reason I was able to get through the trauma and, from their perspective, cope well and deal with my grief was due to my faith.  If only they knew that it was God that got me through (back then my faith wasn’t as strong as it could have been.  In fact I often railed against God in my grief and pain.)

Jesus became the best friend that I had learned about in Sunday School, (you know the song …. “What a friend we have in Jesus.”) He was the one I turned to in my grief and despair; the one who showed me that I had the strength and will power to overcome the adversities that I faced in the months and years following my husband’s death. He was the one I turned to when the children and I were at odds with one another; when I needed his protection over our lives; when I was making decisions about our future, decisions which would affect every member of our little family. He was my comforter, my companion and my counsellor.

If people only realised that if they gave their lives to God, acknowledged Christ as their Saviour they could face and overcome any trauma or dilemma. I am the living proof, the evidence of God’s mighty power to carry us through the worst times of our lives; that he is there for us through all our pain, hurt, loss and grief. My faith and belief has strengthened beyond measure.

Without Jesus in my life; without the knowledge of his unconditional, non-judgmental, constant and consistent love and the eternal grace and mercy of the Heavenly Father I could not have coped and, indeed, probably would not have survived and would have succumbed to chronic depression. And it’s more than likely that my children would not have grown up to be the strong, independent, kind, considerate, compassionate and the beautiful people they have become.

We have all become stronger people, and, while it has been a slow process and taken time, we have grown closer through of our loss.

have drawn great strength from Isaiah Chapter 40.  The following verse specifically has become my mantra:-

“….but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  Is 40:31

Following are details of some of the books I have read that have helped me to come to terms with my grief and comforted me during the difficult times. On Death and Dying by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross (Scribner, New York, USA.)

Grieving the Loss of a Loved One by H Norman Wright (Regal, Ventura, California USA.)

A New Kind of Normal by Carol Kent (Thomas Nelson Inc. Nashville, Tennessee, USA.)

Anne McDowell
(Adv. Dip . CFT Cert IV TAE)
Tutor – aifc Canberra Centre

READ A Window Into Widowhood & Loss Part 1

If you’re going through the grieving process you don’t have to do it alone.

Talk to your GP if you’re concerned about your mental health.

Search for a counsellor near you
Men’s Line Australia – Talk it over with someone who understands – 1300 78 99 78
Lifeline – A free 24 hour Crisis Counselling service – 13 11 14
Kids Help Line – 1800 55 1800