What To Expect From Children In Step Families

It takes time for a child or young person to adjust to all the changes that moving into a step family brings. It can be hard for the child to share a home with people they don’t know very well and harder still if it involves moving to another house in a new neighbourhood.

Often, a child’s reaction is not deliberately bad behaviour, but a sign that the child is not coping with the changes. It is important for this behaviour to be understood. The child needs to be comforted and assisted to feel loved, supported and secure. Being punished for their behaviour will only make them feel even more isolated. Children act out their feelings through their behaviour. They may not be able to talk about how they feel about their new situation, but they will show you through changes in their behaviour.

Confused feelings can manifest themselves through changes in behaviour

• Difficulties in sleeping or settling at night, or nightmares
• Difficulties at meal times – your child may be disruptive or not eat
• Problems at school, especially if it is a new school where they need to make new friends. Schoolwork standards may drop initially
• Loss of interest in hobbies or sports
• Changing behaviour from quiet to throwing temper tantrums
• Nagging, whingeing and other attention-seeking behaviour
• Becoming withdrawn.

A child can face many problems adjusting to the new family

• They may be still mourning the break-up of their original family. Children generally want the return of the original family, even if it was not a happy family.
• They may have been hoping their parents would reunite, and the new relationship crushes their dream. The child may try to (unconsciously) sabotage the new family in an effort to regain their old family.
• Confusion and jealousy may arise if their absent parent establishes a new relationship and has their own ‘new’ family too.
• The decision to make a step family is decided by the two adults and not the children, who may not want a new arrangement.
• The child may resent or even hate the new partner, at least for a while.
• Moving to a new home, new neighbourhood or new school can cause insecurity.
• They have to share a house with people they don’t know very well.
• They resent being disciplined by the new partner.
• They don’t get along with their step-siblings.
• They feel they don’t know their place within the family.
• They resent their change of place in the family.
• They feel left out and uncertain about the new family.
• They dislike having to share their parent with the other partner and stepchildren.

Getting along with step-siblings

With new stepsisters or brothers in the house, a child or young person may not be sure of their place in the family. For example, they might have done certain chores or been used to certain routines. Having other people in the house means their usual day-to-day life has to change. However, in many cases, children and young people grow to like and even love their stepbrothers and stepsisters. It is important to give children enough time to get to know their step-siblings. Some of the problems they could face in the meantime include:

• Thinking it isn’t fair to have to share a house with strangers
• Having to share their bedroom and feeling annoyed about losing their space
• Finding themselves romantically interested in a step-sibling
• Feeling jealous of their step-siblings because they think the other children are getting a better deal
• Fighting a lot at first
• Feeling left out
• Feeling resentful about the whole situation and desperately wanting their original family back.

Children in step families need a lot of support as their world has dramatically changed and the new situation requires a lot of adjustment.  Consider talking to a counsellor for yourself, your relationship with the parent/step parent and for the children.

Sandra Ciminelli
Cred. Dip. Couns. (Christian)

Sources: 

Better Health Channel – http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/BHCV2/bhcarticles.NSF/pages/Stepfamilies?open

WHERE TO GET HELP

If you’re in a step family and are finding difficult to adjust there are people that can help.

1. A parent
2. A Teacher
3. A doctor
4. A counsellor