Expressing Disappointment Constructively Within A Marriage

A friend recently asked me, ‘What’s the point of being married when all we do is fight?’

When arguing and disagreeing on just about everything, couples can be temporarily blinded by the tension causing them to lose sight of the very reason they were married in the first place. We go through Five different stages in marriage. All the stages are essential for personal growth and vital for the longevity of the marriage.

Experiencing Transformational Growth

Carl Jung said, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

Nobody is immune from having arguments and conflict. It can happen to the nicest people. When two adults who come from two completely different households begin co-habituating, they are bound to get on each other’s nerves, and while we can try to avoid fighting by picking and choosing our battles very carefully, we need to keep in mind that conflicts are an essential experience for own personal growth; in love, patience, tolerance and understanding.  This only happens when we express disappointments constructively as we learn from each and every situation on how to treat one another for improving the relationship.

While we are busy getting to know each other’s strengths, weaknesses and boundaries we can aim to limit the damage by focussing on our communication when expressing our disappointments.

Expressing Disappointment

The common reason we get into fights with our spouse is to express our ‘disappointment.’ Whether that involves jealousy, a breach of trust or simply our spouse’s failure to carry out chores around the home, expressing disappointment is the common way we convey our insecurities. How we communicate disappointment will depend on our own emotional intelligence/maturity.

Avoiding Damage & Destruction

During arguments couples who are ‘in the heat of the moment can do terrible damage with the words they choose to use against one another in order to win the war. When we hurt, the temptation might be there to seek revenge or to win the fight with a verbal explosion or worse; make threats to separate or divorce. Focus on creating a growth centred marriage.

Recommended Reading: 12 Steps To Make Marriages Go The Distance.

8 Things Couples can practice

1. Refuse to insult our spouse’s character and identity. This will help to keep the respect factor in the marriage for one another helping to improve verbal communication.
2. Avoid being reactive we need to take time out by stepping away from the problem which may be difficult at first, but is exactly what is required. The idea is to diffuse the destructive bomb of anger by removing ourselves temporarily to calm down and think things through. With time and practice we do get better at it.
3. Focus on building a growth centred marriage. This means shifting the focus to your feelings rather than your spouse’s behaviour. Stop blaming one another and begin to own your feelings by expressing them like, “I felt embarrassed when (situation) happened.” Avoid using, “You made me feel embarrassed” which is an accusation. Your spouse may feel attacked and be tempted to retaliate.
4. Finally returning to get your ‘carefully thought out point’ across without turning the argument into a ‘tit for tat’ war. In time, the practice will help you both become better communicators with one another.
5. Caring about one another and asking questions about each other’s feelings like, “What made you feel that way?”
6. Frequently forgive each other and Christians pray for one another.
7. Choose to love your spouse. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice we make and it takes dedication and commitment to love another person despite all of their flaws.
8. Practice kindness and compassion towards one another. Eph. 4:32

Still Arguing?
No matter how much we’ve practiced the above steps, chances are we might end up losing temper with one another. Not to worry! We all do it and having the odd fight here and there is better than having frequent explosive and destructive ones! All couples fight. If you relationship is stuck consider getting the support of a marriage/relationship counsellor.

Sandra Ciminelli
Cred. Dip. Couns. (Christian)

Sources

12 Steps to Make Marriages Go the Distance

Five Different Stages In Marriage.