Marriage in Crisis

Men and Women are very different as if from two different planets. Unresolved issues can lead to major conflict and crisis within the marriage.  Below is some sound advice on what we can do to get our marriage back on track.

Common Roots

In order to resolve any crisis in your marriage, you must examine what has been brewing underneath; otherwise, you may mistakenly think the symptom is actually the problem. The process of getting underneath a crisis may be painful, long, or even traumatic; but the only way you can resolve the crisis is to understand what ultimately caused it.

Any crisis situation is the fruit of a deeper issue. Jesus said, “In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a bad tree produces bad fruit” (Matthew 7:17). We get to know a person’s character as we experience life together over time. If a person is loving, responsible, and honest, that pattern is evident in his life. If he’s not loving, responsible, or honest, negative patterns will be obvious. Even though character can change as a person grows, it doesn’t change quickly. The seeds of discord are usually evident before a crisis happens.

The following are common roots of crises. They can start as small things, but if not dealt with immediately, they can grow into major issues.

• Loss of love and intimacy
• Betrayal
• Irresponsibility
• Control
• Self-centeredness
• Lack of resources

Getting Underneath a Crisis

“A crisis doesn’t often occur out of the blue; it is generally the result of a problem that has been growing.  A husband’s controlling nature may be tolerated for a while – until he becomes abusive. If a wife withdraws emotionally, her mate may eventually despair of ever connecting again. One spouse may have ignored the other’s weakness for drugs, alcohol, or pornography, but when it becomes an addiction, the couple faces a real crisis.

Any crisis situation is the fruit of a deeper issue.  Jesus said, “In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a bad tree produces bad fruit” (Matthew 7:17). We get to know a person’s character as we experience life together over time.  If a person is loving, responsible, and honest, that pattern is evident in his life.  If he’s not loving, responsible, or honest, negative patterns will be obvious.  Even though character can change as a person grows, it doesn’t change quickly. The seeds of discord are usually evident before a crisis happens.

In counselling sessions, I might hear a wife say, “I had no idea he was unhappy until he moved out.” As we talk, though, I often find there were signs she missed, didn’t recognise, or simply refused to acknowledge.  She may realise that although she and her husband weren’t fighting, he was less open emotionally; he was spending more time away; or he had unexplained schedule or financial conflicts…”

Resolving a Crisis

…”A myth exists that Christian couples are somehow exempt from crises or that perhaps they should be.  The reality is we live in a broken world and will encounter problems in life and marriage as we deal with our own brokenness, weakness, and sin.

Christians don’t have a guarantee they won’t face problems, but they do have resources God makes available – His Word, His Spirit, and His church. Though your crisis seems daunting, you can pray as the Psalmist did: “But as for me – poor and in pain – let Your salvation protect me, God” (Psalm 69:29).

If you are in the midst of a marriage crisis, these guidelines can help you deal with it:

1. Face the crisis. Don’t be so afraid of a crisis that you refuse to acknowledge it. If you ignore the problem, it’s likely to grow worse. If you face it, you can learn how the crisis started, what it means, who needs to take responsibility for what, and what changes you need to make. Become a student of your particular problem and learn as much as you can.

2. Root deeply in God and in community. A crisis should bring a couple out of isolation and into support. We can take our struggles to God and to those who represent His love. As a couple, go in humility to the Lord and to people who care about you. Don’t be alone: “Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

3. Seek wisdom. No matter how severe your crisis, you can find people who have experience, information, and wisdom to help you deal with it. Seek out experts who have extensive knowledge about your particular situation and who can offer a perspective or approach that benefits your marriage. Proverbs 8:17 tells us that those who seek wisdom find it. Take advantage of this powerful gift.

4. Deal with external and internal issues. Your crisis may be rooted in a personal issue, but it could surface as a wildfire, destroying everything (and everyone) in its path. First address the urgent, external part of the crisis – an affair, abandonment, addiction, abuse. Then, when you’ve set appropriate boundaries, deal with the spiritual, emotional, or relational causes of the crisis. You might seek a pastor, counsellor, or structured support group to deal with deeper matters. By dealing with the root causes, you can resolve the crisis and take steps toward preventing it from reoccurring.

5. Take ownership. Each spouse must take responsibility for his or her part in the problem. Responsibility isn’t always 50-50, but rarely is it 100-0. Accept your responsibility, repent, and change while working on forgiving and loving your spouse.

If you and your mate are in the middle of a crisis, you may not see an easy way out. But God is a God of miracles – even in marriage. Do your part, and ask Him to intervene in your relationship with your spouse.”

Source

Permission – Cloud -Townsend Resources – jODI COKER

Where to Get Help

Talk to your doctor and see a mental health professional.
Visit CCAA to search for a Christian counsellor near you.
Visit ACA to search for a counsellor near you.

Studying at aifc

Have you thought about counselling?   It’s a great opportunity to learn how you can extend God’s love and grace to the hurting out in the community.

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1. Beginning of the year in February.
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