A Relationship Blind Spot Affected My Marriage

A Relationship Blind Spot Affected My Marriage

I must admit that I’ve always loved going to weddings. Seeing families all dressed up for the occasion, hearing the vows being said, listening to the funny and thoughtful speeches and seeing the mutual love the bride and groom have for each other is delightful for me.

Years ago when it was my turn to marry, I looked forward with anticipation towards the future my husband and I were going to be sharing. Married life was everything I had hoped for. A year into the marriage I discovered my ‘relationship blind spot,’ revealed to me during a church sermon. Eventually this revelation and God’s grace led me to choose repentance, changing my attitude and altering the way we do marriage for good.

Let me explain… Immediately after the shocking revelation, I experienced sense of relief in a spiritual growth moment as I was glad to know, closely followed by feelings of foolishness, remorse and sorrow for having hurt the man I love. More so for understanding the way I was making him feel and the message he had been receiving…‘he didn’t measure up’ and ‘he wasn’t good enough.’ There was no other possible interpretation. I became angry with myself and very apologetic towards him.

Misconceptions I had about men and marriage had been effectively obscuring the possibility of me ever seeing my husband in the true light in which deserved to be seen in, resulting in disrespect. The unrealistic high expectations were never going to be met by my husband.

The Supermarket Incident

During that first year of marriage, my husband was eager to help me, but needed me to communicate what it was that I wanted. However, I was oblivious to his needs due to my blindspot. For instance, one time when I needed him to come to the supermarket with me, I found myself entertaining thoughts like, “He’s not even offering to help and I have to do all this work by myself.” Whine, whine and whine some more!  Then I’d leave to do our shopping on my own all cheesed off due to a perceived injustice. Clearly I was the one being unjust and totally immature.

Women, clear communication is vital as men in our lives have no way of knowing what we expect from them. Men can’t read our minds! 

Men like my husband avoid going to the supermarket as much as possible. However, they’re more likely to go when asked. We’d have better results saying things like, “I need your help at the supermarket today. Can you please come?”

According to Dr John Gray’s book, Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus, men are hardwired to fix things. If there is a problem, tell a man, and he’d most likely try to solve it or at least offer to help.

Getting Real With Ourselves

Being honest with ourselves means taking stock of our own thoughts, words, actions and emotions. Are we being truthful with ourselves and with others?  Are we being wise, just or unjust?  Relationships have a better chance of improving when we are willing to grow from our mistakes even if that means seeing someone for counselling.

Thank God for showing me the right path fifteen years ago. I’m not the same person. We are not the same married couple. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. Hebrews 13:8 – Bible Gateway

His eternal wisdom is power for life. Choosing to work on the things revealed to us about ourselves brings us closer to emotional maturity. Anything that doesn’t grow or mature remains stagnant and dies, including relationships.

The mind is a filter for the heart (core of our being). The words we use come from the heart based on our core beliefs, rational or irrational. Words have an impact on all those we encounter in life as, ‘The mouth speaks of what the heart is full of.’ Luke 6:45 – Bible hub

Sandra Ciminelli
Cred.Dip.Couns.(Christian)

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