What Clean Fighting Is Like So You Can Both Win

There are healthy and productive ways to argue that can be constructive towards the relationship if done carefully with love while maintaining a level of respect towards one another.

1.Pray for your spouse
The bible makes it clear that we need to pray for those we are in conflict with.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Matthew 5:43-45

2.Communicate in a Healthy Way
Communication without hostility is the key to getting important points across in a manageable way without attacking each other. Your attitude and method of delivery needs to be loving and truthful. God wants us to communicate the truth with love.

Larry Crabb suggests, “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it.”

3.Listen To Your Spouse
Try to discuss one issue at a time. Listen carefully to your spouse without being judgemental. Try to understand where he/she was offended. Listening has to be one of the most important skills you can use in conflict resolution and a mark of respect towards the other person.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.” Galatians. 6:2

4.Take Responsibility & Make Amends
After having listened to your spouse, we need identify and deal with our part in the conflict by taking responsibility for our own actions and then by offering a sincere apology for any wrong doing on our part. We don’t always know what we’ve done wrong. But even so we should apologise for hurting the other person.

“I’m a good example of wanting to apologise only for my precise share of a problem–as I calculate it, of course–and I expect my husband Steve to apologise for his share, also as I calculate it. Since we’re not always of one mind on the math, it can lead to the theatre of the absurd.” Harriet Lerner

5.Respect & Accept the Differences
Women and men think differently. So much so that Dr. John Gray Ph.D wrote a book about it titled, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ to explain the gender differences that set us apart.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

‎”When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.” Dr. John Gray, ‘ Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus’

6.Be Honest
Primarily we need to be honest with ourselves. We need to ask ourselves why are we so heated up and then open and honestly communicate your concerns you’re your temper has cooled down. Then we need to be honest with our spouse while expressing our concerns in a manner that isn’t aggressive, accusing or attacking the other person. Discuss your feelings to allow those negative feelings to be released in a positive way. E.g. ‘I felt hurt’ or ‘I was disappointed’.

“When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.” Dr. John Gray, ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus’

Sources:

Christian Woman: http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2009/june/healthyconflict.html?start=2

Where to get help

Unresolved conflict with your spouse can be really damaging to the relations. Seek the help of a professional counsellor near you. www.theaca.com.au

If you’d like to find out more, or talk to someone else, here are some organisations that can help:

Relationships Australia – Relationships Australia offers family and relationship counselling as well as a range of specialist counselling services.1300 364 277

Lifelinea> – Do you find yourself find in a Crisis? Call 13 11 14 or chat online

Beyondblue – Do you have feelings of depression or anxiety? Call 1300 22 4636 or chat online