Why NOT me? A Question Of Survivor Gratitude

“Why me?” “Why my child?” “Why did God let this happen?” “Why did God make this happen?”   You don’t need to be in the helping professions for too long before you start to hear these questions. I have learned the hard way that even when people of faith are asking these deeply theological questions, they are not actually looking for my textbook theological answers.

In order to manage my temptation to roll out a pat theological answer, I have needed to develop an alternate answer that goes something like “[name], I don’t know the answer, but it would be a privilege to walk with you as you keep asking these great questions”.   Some may criticise me for replacing one rote answer with another but I find it has proven far more effective!

Last night, as I visited a group of emergency services personnel, I revisited some of these questions.    Some of the crew were first responders to the tragic death of an 8 year old girl at the Royal Adelaide show only a few days ago.   They seemed to be doing fine but I was strangely impacted – maybe because only a week before the tragedy I had visited the same showgrounds with my own family – including my 8 year old daughter.

Our family has had its share of difficult times and we were surrounded by friends and professionals who gave us the space to explore these “Why” questions in our own time and in our own way.

“How could these things happen if there truly is a loving and omnipotent God?”  

I take comfort in the image of living in a valley downstream from a large dam.   If the dam wall did not exist I would surely be destroyed.   Occasionally, the manager of the dam, open the sluice gates a fraction and allows a little of the water to be released – sometimes with minimal impact, sometimes with devastating consequences.

I believe in my life there are three things conspiring against me in an unholy coalition – the fallen world, my broken humanity and the Devil ( including his powers and principalities). If it weren’t for the constant protection of God – holding back the tide of these influences I would surely be destroyed.   Occasionally, God in his unfathomable wisdom allows a fraction of this ‘flow’ to come my way, sometimes with minimal impact and sometimes with moments of tragedy and trauma – yet (so far) not enough to destroy me.

With this picture in mind and in the context of last night’s conversations, I found myself asking a new question “Why NOT me?”   “Why NOT my 8 year old daughter?” “Why NOT my wife and 10 year old daughter who were spinning upside down on those very same show rides?” – yet they walked of with smiles of glee rather than tears of tragedy?

And as I listened to myself ask these questions and evaluated the tears on my check, I realised this was not the all too familiar “Survivor Guilt”– but it was a thankful, appreciative emotion – I’m going to call it “Survivor Gratitude”.

When I arrived home from visiting the SES crew I visited my own “crew”.   I quietly tucked-in my already sleeping children thanking God for them and for the torrent of injustice, tragedy, trauma and unfairness that he kept at bay during the day and asking that his rod and staff would continue to protect us during the night.

I also tenderly kissed my sleeping wife’s forehead which is not my usual practice after coming home late.   She thought I was waking her for the morning and was rather indignant that the night’s rest had ended after what felt like only an hour or two’s sleep.    Real life is so much funnier than the movies.

This morning’s devotional reading was the high-point of the Joseph story – where he reveals his true identity to his brothers.   He reassures them that they ought not feel guilty for God has been at work, strangely brining about His extraordinary purposes through what at the time for Joseph (and Jacob!) would have seemed like great tragedy.

I don’t believe God causes tragedy but I can accept that every now and then he allows a little bit of tragedy through the sluice gates and then in His extraordinary way turns evil into good and brings about His purposes through it.

I think it is OK if the story of our clients and hearing about the lives of others causes us to re-appreciate the goodness and love of God – “but for the grace of God there go I”.

Perhaps my sense of Survivor Gratitude is in itself a small piece of evidence that God is active in the world and continuing to keep His promises to work all things for good for those who love him and have been called according to his purposes.

Mr Shannon Hood is the Academic Manager with aifc.   He has been involved in providing critical incident education and support to volunteer emergency services personnel as part of the SA Government Stress Prevention and Management Team for 8 years.