A Window Into Widowhood and Loss (Part 1 of 2)

A story about losing a life partner and father of my children, to cancer.

When you make the decision to get married at the age of 29, you are taking the first step on the journey of the rest of your life. You are in love, you are happy beyond measure. You have a wonderful man by your side; you have promised to be together, through thick and thin, for the rest of your lives.

You set about creating a home together, spend time bonding with your new extended family, and, importantly developing a very personal, real, meaningful and intimate relationship with your spouse; you are learning about one another, getting used to each other’s idiosyncrasies and habits – both good and bad.  You hope to start a family and, if it is in God’s plan, you have children.

Marriage isn’t all plain sailing, there are many bumps and turns along the way, but together you overcome these and move forward with your lives.  Together, you can overcome the challenges and hurdles that life presents. Your expectation is that you will be together for as long as it is God’s will, and you look forward to many, many years together. Naturally you assume your chosen life-partner will be there at your side for many years to come.

While, in your head, you know that this relationship isn’t ‘forever’ you do hope (based on current life expectancy) that you will have some 20 or 30 years together. Never in your wildest dreams do you imagine that your marriage will be cut short, that your lover, best friend and father of your children will be taken away from you; that your children will be left without a father and that you will become a widow before you turn 70 (or even 60.)  That scenario just isn’t in your thinking, in fact it’s incomprehensible.

But life doesn’t always go the way we hope and plan it.

My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer and following an unsuccessful operation in December 1991 to remove the affected lung and extensive chemotherapy, the specialist advised that he probably only had 12 – 18 months of life. He fought bravely, but died two weeks before the Christmas of 1992 leaving me a widow at 44, alone to raise my two children who at the time were just 13 and 6.

How do you cope when life throws you a curve ball like that? How do you deal with such a traumatic event? How do you deal with your grief, help the children to process the normality of their feelings and finality of this event, to deal with their grief? Suddenly you find yourself a ‘single Mum.’ You take on the role of both father and mother and feel very inadequate, and not at all sure you are up to the task.

Life, as you knew it, is forever changed. There’s no-one there to share with, to discuss issues with make plans for the future, to help the family get ready for a family outing or to help pack the car for a holiday. You no longer have someone to share in the ups and downs of life; to listen to the events of your day; to make decision with about the future and family issues; to help discipline the children (or, as in my case to be the one who placated the storms, who was the peacemaker; the one to whom the children turned when Mum was being ‘mean.’)

I was extremely blessed to have the support of a wonderful Church family, who really looked after us while we cared for my husband at home for several months up until his death; providing us with meals, helping with ironing, house cleaning, gardening, household maintenance and repairs etc. But soon after his death that help ceased. So I found myself coping not just with my grief, helping the children to process their experience of losing their Dad, but also bearing ALL the responsibility of the family and the household on my shoulders, where previously it had been shared. I became the sole bread winner, I had focus on progressing my career in an attempt to make up for the loss of 50% of our income. Everything was down to me! It was scary; I was frightened that I couldn’t do it, that I would somehow fail and the children would suffer.

After the death of a spouse you are alone – that is the reality, plain and simple. Not even your closest friend can understand what you are going through.  So where or to whom do you turn to for support; where is or who will be that listening ear? Not even my immediate family could help. No-one had had this experience; could understand.

Anne McDowell
(Cred – Adv. Dip . CFT Cert IV TAE)
Tutor – aifc Canberra Centre 

READ A Window Into Widowhood and Loss Part 2

If you’re going through the grieving process you don’t have to do it alone.

Talk to your GP if you’re concerned about your mental health.

Search for a counsellor near you
Men’s Line Australia – Talk it over with someone who understands – 1300 78 99 78
Lifeline – A free 24 hour Crisis Counselling service – 13 11 14
Kids Help Line – 1800 55 1800